


Without You

by Slytherin2013



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Death, Hurt Tony Stark, M/M, Mpreg, Parent Steve Rogers, Parent Tony Stark, Peter Parker is Tony Stark's Biological Child, Precious Peter Parker, Pregnant Steve Rogers, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-01-31 06:11:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18585403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Slytherin2013/pseuds/Slytherin2013
Summary: Steve had promised that they were going to raise their baby together. Tony didn’t know the first thing about being a dad. He couldn’t raise their son alone. He needed Steve.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I've been meaning to update my other story on here, but I've been moving and haven't had a lot of time. I got the idea for this fic while waiting for the movers and decided to at least post this until I can get around to the other story. I reread this a few times to correct any errors, but if there's still some I apologize. I've been driving for two days, so that's my excuse. I hope you all enjoy it!

Tony’s stomach twisted in uncomfortable knots, the feeling of dread overcoming him and no matter how much he tried to shake it off, the feeling remained. He wanted to blame it on first time jitters; he was going to be a father and it only made sense that he would be anxious. He had been nervous before, but this felt different.

Something wasn’t right.

His eyes locked with sparkling blue ones and for a moment it was like all his anxiety disappeared. It wasn’t until those blue eyes lost the sparkle and squeezed shut did Tony start to regain that uneasy feeling. A small groan left Steve’s lips and Tony was at his side in seconds, placing his hand on the small of Steve’s back and rubbing soothing circles over the spot. It did nothing to comfort him and Tony hated that he couldn’t help.

Steve smiled weakly at him, appreciating the gesture. He was calm, Tony not sure how, but he didn’t question it. Instead, he helped Steve through the next contraction, whispering encouraging words and holding his hand.

The laboring process was a long one, they were already going on ten hours and Tony wasn’t sure how Steve was supposed to keep going. He was taking it like a champ, there was no screaming and the only sounds he made were soft groans whenever a contraction hit. 

“You’re doing great,” Tony whispered into his husband's ear. Steve only groaned in response, hunching over and letting his head fall between his arms, his hands gripping Tony’s shoulders tightly.

Tony had tried getting Steve back to the bed, only for the blond to refuse. He wanted to walk around, he had spent most of the day in bed and it had done nothing to speed up the process. He was getting tired, Tony could see it, but Steve still refused the rest. 

“Better?” Tony asked when he felt the grip on his shoulders loosen. Steve nodded in response and he let out a spent breath.

“That one hurt,” he replied.

“Worse than before?”

“No,” Steve winced. “But they're getting pretty bad.”

“I know, I know. But you’re almost there.” Tony wasn’t sure why he had said those words when he himself didn’t even believe it. Was it almost over? Tony sure hoped so. He couldn’t stand seeing Steve in pain.

Steve didn’t respond and Tony wasn’t sure if it was because of another contraction or he didn’t believe those words either. It had been the first guess; a contraction was approaching and Steve groaned, reaching out for the brunet and squeezing his shoulders again, small whimpers of pain leaving his lips. Tony was able to convince Steve to get back to the bed, and that's where he labored while Tony watched helplessly. 

The minutes turned to hours and it was becoming apparent that their bundle of joy wasn’t going to budge. Steve’s attitude changed during that time. His quiet groans escalating to cries of pain; his voice raising until he was almost shouting, curses leaving his lips whenever another contraction hit. It took Tony by surprise. His husband rarely cursed and to hear him do it now meant that the pain was becoming unbearable. He tried again to comfort Steve, but it didn’t do much. The pain was still there.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, the doctor returned to check Steve's progress and announced good news: it was time to push. This was it, the moment they had been waiting for, it was finally here and Tony was sure the uneasy feeling he had felt would leave him, but he couldn’t have been more wrong. It seemed, if possible, to get worse.

He tried to ignore it, instead focusing on Steve and encouraging him while he pushed. The cries of pain Steve emitted grew louder with each push, and Tony prayed that it would be over soon.

“Come on, Steve. Almost there.” This time he believed those words and it seemed like Steve did too, because he was pushing harder now, determination written on his face as he tried to bring their child into the world.

Their child. Tony couldn’t believe that they were going to be parents. It was something he never thought he would be, but because of Steve it was all possible. He was the one who made Tony believe that he could be a good father, that he won’t be anything at all like Howard.  That fear of one day becoming his father still lingered, but he did his best to keep that fear from taking over.   
   
A loud scream from Steve ripped Tony from his thoughts and his focus was on the blond beside him, his mind registering the strong, almost painful grasp of Steve’s hand squeezing his own. He bit his tongue, knowing the pain was nowhere near as bad as the pain Steve was experiencing and he had no reason to complain. Steve wasn’t complaining either, but the screams he let loose was heartbreaking. Tony hated this, probably more than Steve did.

“One more push.” The doctor's voice reached Tony’s ears and he sent a quick glance over at the woman between Steve’s legs.

Steve did as he was told, bearing down as hard as he could, his screams raising in volume as the pain intensified. Then there was silence.

A loud wail filled the quiet room, a sound Tony knew he would never forget. He smiled at the sound, his smile growing when he saw his child for the first time. Tony looked away and let his gaze fall on Steve, the blond returned the smile, a little weaker than Tony’s but Tony could still see the happiness behind it.

“I’m proud of you,” Tony murmured against Steve’s head. He let his lips linger a little longer, pressing a gentle kiss against his temple.

“It’s a boy,” the doctor smiled and she placed the baby on Steve’s chest.

Steve and Tony shared a look. “I guess Sarah is out,” Tony said. They were sure they were having a girl and had decided on the name. Steve wanting to name their daughter after his mother and Tony had no issues with it. He knew how much she meant to Steve.

Steve chuckled and nodded his head. “ I guess so.” His eyes were glued to their son, his lips widening at the sight. “ I did like Peter for a boy.”

Tony couldn’t help the face he made. It was a decent name, but it wasn’t one he would put on his top five list of baby names. Steve had liked the name, Tony not sure why, and they talked about it being an option. But when they were convinced they were having a girl, Tony thought Steve had forgotten all about the name. 

“I don’t know. He doesn’t look like a Peter,” Tony said. Steve glanced up, a small frown replacing his smile.

“I think he does. You just don’t like it.”

Tony gave a small shrug in response. “It’s not bad but, Steve we had other options. I could’ve sworn we did.”

“I like this one. It fits him.” Steve was staring down at their son again and Tony followed his gaze, frowning when he didn’t see what Steve was seeing.

“I don’t really see it. My choice is still on the table right?”

Steve didn’t answer, too focused on their son. Tony decided not to push. Steve was obviously tired and now wasn’t the time to talk baby names. 

“He needs to be cleaned up,” One of the nurses said and she held her arms out. With a sigh Steve handed his son over, but not before pressing a gentle kiss to the top of his head.

Tony stayed by Steve’s side, gently pushing back the blond hair sticking to his forehead while the doctor remained between Steve’s legs, cleaning him up. Tony smiled down at his husband before leaning down to kiss his lips. His ears perked up at the sound of his son's cries and he pulled away, turning slightly so that he could see the team of nurses cleaning up the crying baby.

“He’s got a set of lungs on him,” Tony commented and Steve smiled.

That feeling he felt was gone, all he could think about was the joy coursing through him. He had a son, a beautiful, healthy baby boy that he was going to love more than anything. Steve had been right about him being perfect, he resembled the blond more than himself, but he wasn’t going to complain. Steve was beautiful both inside and out and if their son was going to be like anyone it deserved to be him.

The only thing Tony recognized on his son was the curly dark hair, and if he was lucky, the kid would be blessed with Steve's eyes. Not that Tony didn't like his own, Steve was always saying his eyes was one of his favorite things about him, but if Tony could have it his way, he'd want their son to have the light blue of Steve's.

“Tony, I don’t feel good,” Steve said, his quiet voice ripping Tony from his thoughts.

Tony chuckled and pushed more of Steve’s blond hair back. “You just had a baby.”

Their son was still crying and Tony let his eyes land back on him. The smile he wore slowly faltered and he wondered if his son was okay.

“Tony.”

Tony turned his attention back to Steve, a small frown forming on his lips and his brows scrunching up in concern. Steve’s demeanor had changed, he was no longer smiling and his eyes had lost their shine. That was when Tony noticed something else, he was pale, his skin a sickly white.

Then it was back. That feeling that had been nagging him all day was hitting him harder than before. 

He reached for Steve’s hand, giving it a reassuring squeezing, but not getting one in return. His eyes locked with Steve’s dull ones, the fear rising when they began to flutter. 

“Steve?”

He didn’t get a response and that only made him panic more. He could hear the doctor yelling orders at her team now, her own voice showing hints of worry.

“Tony.” The voice was soft, but Tony’s ears still picked up on it, his eyes glancing back down and connecting with blue ones.

“Steve. I’m here, I’m here.” Tony held Steve’s hand tightly, not wanting to let go. Steve’s eyes fluttered again and Tony could feel his hand leaving his own. Steve was slipping away. “Steve, please. Just hang on. Steve-“

Someone was dragging him away now, a new voice reaching his ears and he tried to pull away from the firm grasp. “Sir, you need to leave.” It was the nurse from before.

“No. No I can’t.” Tony yanked himself free, only for the woman to grab him again.

“Sir, I’m sorry but you need to wait outside.”

Tony’s eyes were back on Steve, his lifeless form filling his vision. He wanted to rush over to him and wake him up, but the nurse was prevented him from getting any closer

“No, please! I need to see him! Please!” His pleas landed on deaf ears and he felt himself being pushed further away from Steve.

He was in the hall now, the commotion of the room dying down once the door shut. He tried to peer inside, but couldn’t make out anything from the small window. Defeated he forced himself to sit down in one of the empty chairs. Tony buried his face in his hands, trying not to let the tears in his eyes fall.

He couldn’t lose Steve. He just couldn’t.

The minutes seemed to tick by slowly and Tony was finding it hard to sit still. He turned to pacing the hallway, stopping every now and then when he spotted a doctor, only to resume the pacing when they ignored him.

Tony found himself back in the chair, his eyes glued to the door across from him. His mind played back the scene over and over. He squeezed his eyes shut, not wanting to picture Steve that way. He was going to be okay. 

The sound of the door reached his ears and he shot up from the chair, expecting to find the doctor who had been working on Steve, but instead it was one of the nurses, wheeling a small cart out. Tony realized she had his son and he stepped closer. She stopped the cart to allow him to glance inside. 

“We’re taking him to the nursery. You’re more than welcome to follow,” she said.

Tony gave his son one last look before locking eyes with the nurse. “I want to wait for...” He couldn’t finish, the lump in his throat making it difficult to get the words out. It was like she knew and the nurse nodded her head in understanding.

“He’ll be okay.” She gave him one last smile, then she was wheeling the cart down the hall and eventually disappearing from Tony’s sight.

Tony was happy knowing his son was okay, but his mind was still on Steve. He needed to know how Steve was. It was driving him insane.

He didn’t sit down again and found himself pacing the small area once more. His mind was racing, brown eyes darting toward the clock on the wall every few seconds then to the door, but no one ever emerged. Tony couldn’t take it anymore, he needed to know.

He stopped himself from walking toward the door, a single question filling his mind: did he want to know? He shook his head, of course he wanted to know. But at the same time he was afraid of what the doctor was going to say. The negative thoughts began to fill his head and the tears in eyes stung, wanting to be free. Tony blinked them back and took a deep breath to calm himself. Everything was fine. Steve was fine.

The door was opening again, the sound snapping Tony from his thoughts and he stopped the pacing, turning around to face the doctor. The look she wore was enough to answer Tony’s questions.

“No. No please....no.” The tears he had been fighting were finally released, running down his face and staining his cheeks. “Please...”

“I’m so sorry. I did everything I could.”

“No...no..” Tony shook his head. His legs bumped into something and he realized it was the chair. He let himself collapse into it, burying his face in his hands and allowing himself to finally break down.

The doctor's hand was on his shoulder and the first thing he wanted to do was shrug her off, but the comfort was nice and he allowed her hand to linger. 

“I’m very sorry. If you’re ready, you can see him.”

Tony wasn’t ready. The last thing he wanted to do was go into that room and see his husband...

He couldn’t finish that thought. Steve couldn’t be dead. This was just a dream, a hellish nightmare that he needed to wake up from. 

“I’m so sorry, sir.”

Tony wanted to scoff at her words. Was she as sorry as she claimed to be? If she would’ve done a better job than maybe Steve would be alive. If Steve didn’t give birth he would still be here.

Tony hated that he was blaming not only the doctor but his son as well for Steve’s death. He was angry, hurt and confused. Everything had been fine and now his world was crashing down.

He forced himself to get out of the chair, letting his legs lead him toward the door. The doctor was with him, her own footsteps echoing behind his. The sight that greeted him once he walked through the door was one he would never forget, it was burned into his mind forever.

Steve was nearly unrecognizable. He was pale, his skin almost blending into the white sheets beneath him. The blond hair Tony had been fighting with still stuck to his forehead, Tony’s fingers itching to run through it. His eyes were shut and Tony had wished he could look into them one last time. The closer Tony got, the more he realized Steve actually looked peaceful.

Tony was by the bed now, the exact spot he had been a few hours ago and he reached for Steve’s hand. The tears were falling harder now, quiet sobs slipping past his lips. He pulled a chair close and sat down, taking Steve’s hand once again.

“Steve...” His voice was hoarse. He almost didn’t recognize the sound. “Why....you were....” Tony choked on his words. His hand gripped Steve’s harder, wishing he would squeeze back.

The doctor was still in the doorway, Tony could  feel her presence and he wished she would just go away. He wanted to be alone with Steve. It was like she knew what he was thinking and her footsteps could be heard exiting into the hall, Tony sending a quick glance in that direction to make sure she was actually gone.

Now that he was alone, he didn’t hold back and let the pain take over. The quiet sobs he released rose in volume, his body shaking. His eyes burned from the amount of tears they were creating, but he didn’t care. It was like he couldn’t stop. All he could do was cry.

“Please come back. Please. I can’t do this alone. I can’t.” Tony sobbed, his hand shaking Steve’s, hoping that somehow he would wake up. He never did. “Please. Steve, I can’t. I can’t.”

Tony let his head rest against Steve’s chest, inhaling the familiar scent of his husband. It brought him comfort, but it wasn’t enough. He wanted to feel Steve wrap his arms around him again, to hear his warm voice or contagious laugh, to look into those sparkling blue eyes he loved so much. He was never going to experience any of that again.

His son came to mind and that only made Tony sob harder. Steve had promised that they were going to raise their baby together, but that promise was broken. Tony didn’t know the first thing about being a dad, he needed Steve by his side to guide him. He didn’t have that now. He couldn’t raise their son alone. He needed Steve.

“Steve, I can’t do this.” Tony sniffed, raising his head so that he could look at Steve’s face again. “That little boy needs you, I need you. Please don’t make me do this alone. I can't do this without you.”

He didn’t know how long he stayed like this, head on Steve’s chest and their hands intertwined. It wasn’t until he felt a hand on his shoulder and a soothing voice did he look up, finding the doctor and one of the nurses. He knew why they were here, but he wasn’t ready to say good bye. He never wanted to leave Steve’s side.

They were kind enough to give him a few more minutes. Tony rose from the chair and leaned down to kiss Steve one last time, his tears sliding down his face and the salty taste filling his mouth as they reached his lips. His fingers ran through the soft blond hair, then down the side of Steve’s face.

He pressed a gentle kiss to Steve’s forehead. “I love you,” he whispered against the cool skin.

The nurse had her hand on his shoulder, gently escorting him out of the room. He didn’t look back, he couldn’t. He didn’t want to remember Steve that way.

Tony found himself at the nursery, staring hard at his son through the large glass window. He was tucked securely in a blue and white blanket, a blue cap covering his head. He was sleeping peacefully, then squirming when one of the nurses began to attend to him. Tony recognized her from before.

She locked eyes with him and smiled. He forced himself to send her a small smile. She turned away to finishing adjusting the blanket around his son, then she was exiting the room and standing beside him.

“He’s beautiful.” She had her own eyes on the newborn, then she was staring at Tony. “You can hold him now. He’s doing really well.”

Tony nodded. He didn’t know what to say. He was thankful that his son was healthy.

“What’s his name?”

Tony swallowed the lump in his throat, fresh tears gathering in his eyes. “Peter.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony struggles to calm Peter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! So my brain did come up with a second chapter afterall! I just want to thank everyone for reading and for leaving comments/kudos! I appreciate it so much!!! Here is the next chapter!!

The sky was dark, large gray clouds hiding the warmth of the sun, bringing with them a cold, lonesome rain. It was a gloomy day, Tony would've joked about how cliché all of it was, but he wasn't in a joking mood. If anything, the weather was fitting. Dark and gloomy, that's how Tony felt.

The rain was falling on his nice suit, but he didn't care. He couldn't give a damn about the mud covering his expensive shoes. He didn't care about anything. 

The sunglasses he wore hid the tears in his eyes from the people around him. They were leaving now, the service had ended a few minutes ago, but Tony couldn't find it in himself to leave. His eyes were still glued to the casket in front of him.

It wasn't until a familiar sound filled his ears was he able to turn away, focusing now on his son. Peter was curled up in Pepper's arms, his cries showing evident discomfort. He didn't need to be in this kind of weather; the look Pepper was giving Tony clearly expressed that. Pepper was at his side now, gently shushing Peter.

“Tony...” She started. She knew how hard it was for him; everyone did. “He wants you.”

Tony squeezed his eyes shut at those words, a few tears escaping and rolling down his cheek. He doesn't want me, he wants Steve. Tony had wanted to say those words out loud, but he kept it to himself. No one would understand.

“Tony..”

With a heavy sigh Tony finally responded, “Pep....I can't.”

“Yes, you can. He needs you.”

Tony swallowed hard. The last thing he wanted to do was hold his son; he'd be lying if he said he wasn't still bitter toward him. It was foolish to blame an innocent child for what happened, but Tony couldn't help the feelings he felt. He was angry about losing Steve and he wondered why it was him and not Peter. God, he felt awful just thinking that, but it wasn't fair. It shouldn't have been Steve.

Peter's cries began to grow louder, attracting unwanted attention from the people still lingering. Tony found himself accepting him from Pepper's arms. That didn't stop Peter from crying and Tony felt helpless. He didn't know what to do.

“Pep..”

“Here, hold him like this.” Pepper assisted in adjusting Peter in his arms, until he was comfortable and the crying died down. “See? You can do it.”

Tony rolled his eyes, the sunglasses hiding it from Pepper. “Yeah I guess so,” he replied, shifting his right arm and bringing Peter's small form closer to his chest.

Pepper placed a hand over his shoulder, rubbing it soothingly. Tony appreciated her presence. She had been more than helpful when it came to Peter. The first few days after Steve's passing had been the worst days of Tony's life. Nothing was the same and there were times when he wasn't sure how he was supposed to keep going. What did he have to live for now?

Peter. That's where all his focus needed to be, but even that was difficult for Tony. Being a parent was the last thing Tony wanted to be. He couldn't fathom the thought of doing it alone. Steve promised he wouldn't have to. But that promise wasn't kept.

“Come on.” Pepper's voice reached Tony's ears. She still had her hand on his shoulder. “'Let's get you home.”

Home. Such simple word, but with so much meaning behind it. Home was with Steve, but now Tony had nothing.

Tony never realized how big and empty the mansion had been until now. He was used to having Steve share the space with him, but now he didn't have him and he couldn't imagine spending another lonely night in the large house. Pepper helped him inside while Happy assisted with the baby carrier and diaper bag.

At least he had them, even if it was just for a few moments. He wouldn't know what he would've done without the help from his friends. The night he lost Steve, Rhodey and Pepper were the first he called. They both knew that Tony and Steve were awaiting the birth of their child, what they weren't expecting was the terrible phone call. The news was devastating to them.

Tony had cried for hours that night, holding onto his best friend as he let the tears and sobs free. Rhodey had brought him comfort throughout the night, not once letting go, even after Tony had finally cried himself to sleep.

He wouldn't have them tonight, however. He wanted to ask and he was sure Pepper would give in and stay another night, but he couldn't do that. They had their own lives and he didn't want to feel even more like a burden.

“Tony, if you need anything-” Tony held his hand up to silence Pepper and she let out a sigh. “I'm serious. We're here for you.”

“I know you are, but you can't stay here forever. I have to figure out how to do this.”

“But you don't have to do it alone.” It was Happy who had said those words and Tony turned to face him, sending the man a small, quick smile.

“Thank you, but really, you don't want to be here with me. You'll just hear both of us cry.” Tony let his eyes land on the carrier, Peter's sleeping form tucked safely inside.

“You know we wouldn't mind.” Pepper took a step closer and wrapped her arms around Tony, pressing a gentle kiss to his cheek. “Call me or Rhodey if you need anything. Don't hesitate to ask.”

“I'll be here too,” Happy added with a smile, then he offered a hug once Pepper stepped away.

The moment they left, it was like everything went to hell. Peter woke up and began screaming at the top of his lungs, Tony not knowing how to calm the newborn down. The first thing he did was get him out of the carrier, cursing to himself when he fumbled with the straps.

He thought once he had Peter in his arms that the crying would diminish, but it seemed like holding him only made it worse. Tony tried to do what Pepper had done; rock him gently and shush him, but it didn't work. His frustration was getting the better of him and it was obvious Peter was picking up on it; he cried louder, his face pink and hands balled into fists.

Tony decided the nursery would be the best place to be. Maybe if Peter was in his bed he would calm down and sleep. Again, Tony was wrong. Peter only cried harder the minute he was laid in the crib. Tony had to take a step back and he let his fingers run through his hair, a frustrated sigh leaving his lips. “Come on, Kid. What do you want me to do?” he asked. Peter just continued to wail.

Tony was failing as a father, he could feel it. Steve had assured him that he was going to be a wonderful father. Tony was now realizing Steve didn't know what he was talking about. How could he possibly be a good father? His son was screaming at the top of lungs and there was nothing he could do to calm him down. He needed Steve now more than ever.

His eyes prickled with tears and he didn't hold them back. They ran down his face and he wiped them away, only for more to take their place. “I need you, Steve. I don't know what to do.” Tony tugged at his hair, not caring that he was causing himself pain. He was angry and hurting.

He found himself on the floor, back against the wall as his son continued to cry a few feet away from him. Tony pulled his knees up against his chest and buried his face in his arms, the tears still falling. Steve would know what to do, he always did. He always knew best.

Tony wished Steve would walk through the door and calm Peter down. Tony remembered all the times when Peter would be fussy in the womb and how Steve was able to calm him. Steve was the one Peter needed, not him. That was probably why he was upset and why Tony's attempt did nothing; he wanted Steve. It only made sense, he knew him first.

The cries were becoming too much and Tony was ready to give up and call Pepper, but the voice in his head told him otherwise. He had to do this.

Tony forced himself off the floor and walked the small steps to the crib, bending down and taking the crying newborn in his arms. “Shh.” he shushed him softly and began rocking him. He wracked his mind to come up with ways to quiet a fussy baby. He tried speaking to him again. “Hey, kid....Pete. I'm gonna call you Pete okay?”

Peter's cries stopped and instead he released small whimpers until finally growing silent. He opened his eyes, resembling the same ones Tony used to love getting lost in. They were a deep blue right now and Tony just hoped they would get lighter and be more like Steve's.

“Hey.” Tony tried again, a small smile spreading across his face when Peter kept his gaze. “You don't know me....at least not very well. We'll fix that right? You'll give me a chance?”

Peter stared up at him, Tony's breath catching in his throat as he waited for his son to start crying again. But he never did, instead keeping his eyes on Tony. The small smile Tony had returned, widening when Peter remained calm. He had finally done it.

He gently pressed his lips against Peter's head. Regret washed over him as he remembered blaming his son for Steve's death. If anyone was to blame it was him. It was all his fault that Steve was gone.

Steve shouldn't have been the one to carry in the first place. Tony had offered when they decided to start a family, but when his age worried him, he backed out and decided they didn't need to have a baby to be happy. Steve had been hurt, he had wanted a family and Tony wasn't going to deny him of that. So he suggested getting a surrogate or even opted for adoption; Steve shot all those ideas down and made the choice to carry.

It made sense, he was younger and was capable of carrying a baby without any issues. At least, that's what Tony had thought. The pregnancy itself had been fine, no problems whatsoever, but for some reason his body couldn't handle the birth. Tony now wished he had fought Steve on the idea of carrying and done it himself. Maybe then Steve would still be here.

Peter began to whimper again and Tony brought his attention back to the little boy in his arms. It was just the two of them now and he had to be strong. Peter needed him.

He placed another kiss to his son's head. “We'll get through this. You and me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I don't know if I will keep going with this one. If anyone has any ideas feel free to share them. I am thinking of doing another story where Peter is their son and Steve is alive. It's just a thought. Thank you again for reading!!!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I decided to keep adding to this story. I don't know how many chapters there will be or what direction it's going to take. If i get an idea for a chapter then I will post it and then just see how it goes from there. I wanted to add some cuteness to this but of course it gets sad again, so sorry about that.

Things were looking up, or at least Tony liked to think so. Maybe he was being too optimistic. Most days it felt like his life was going to shit and he was just forcing himself to be happy and smile through it. Was his life harder now? Absolutely; there was no doubt in his mind that he felt like he lost control of the reins, but over time it did get easier. His heart still ached, longing for that missing piece that he'd never get back. But something in his life was starting to fill the void.

His son meant the world to him. Peter was a gift, a blessing, something Tony never knew he needed in his life. Peter was a light in the darkness and Tony never regretted him for a second. If anything, he was thankful he had his son. Without him, he'd surely crumble and succumb to the darkness that desperately tried to drag him down. Steve had been that light once, and it pained Tony to know that he'd never feel the warmth and love Steve had one time surrounded him in.

It hurt more than Tony would ever think possible. Losing his parents had caused him a similar pain, and he never wanted to experience anything like that again. Then he lost Steve and it all came flooding back, hitting him harder than before. Going on without Steve was difficult and there were days when Tony felt like he couldn't do it anymore, then Peter would swoop in and save the day.

Being a father to that little boy was all Tony wanted to be now. He didn't want to be the owner of a billion dollar company, or the snarky genius everyone knew him to be. The last thing he wanted was to become his father. Steve's words still echoed in his mind and he listened to them. He was going to be the best father he could possibly be.

Weeks turned to months and Peter was no longer the fussy baby Tony brought home from the hospital. Those days had been rough, they didn't really know each other and Tony had never felt more stressed in his life. But they were growing and their relationship was stronger now.

Though things were getting easier, Tony still found himself struggling. Being a parent was foreign to him and some days he found himself wondering if he was even doing it right. Pepper and Rhodey assured him that he was doing just fine, but that little voice in the back of his head still made him question himself. The assurance from his friends wasn't enough; he wanted Steve's.

For Peter's first birthday, the celebration had been bittersweet. Tony was thrilled that he had made it this far. Though it didn't seem like much to anyone else, it was meaningful to him. If he could make it one year, then who was to say that he couldn't make the next and the one after that? 

Not having Steve for the occasion put a slight damp on Tony's mood. He tried to tell himself that Steve was still there with them, celebrating from a more peaceful place, but Tony wanted the real thing. He wanted Steve there when he helped Peter blow out the candles, or when it came to opening the presents.

“He's still here, Tony,” Pepper told him. The party had ended and all the guests were gone. All that remained was the people Tony wanted around the most.

Pepper and Rhodey were standing beside him while Happy was playing with Peter in the middle of the large living room. Even Steve's best friends, Bucky, Natasha, and Sam stayed behind to play with their godson.

“I know,” Tony replied, his eyes glued to the scene in front of him. Peter was giggling as Sam and Bucky took turns trying to tickle him. Tony smiled.

“That kid has so much energy,” Happy said as he approached them. “Good luck getting him to sleep.”

“I think I can manage.”

“We can help.” Bucky joined them now, clearly out of breath from the way he was playing a few minutes prior.

Tony smirked and arched a brow. “You sure there? It looks like he wore you out.”

“Nah.” Bucky waved him off. “It's not a problem.”

Natasha was making her way over and she rolled her eyes at Bucky. "I think you better sit this one out, Barnes. Peter obviously overpowered you," she said and Tony couldn't help but laugh. Bucky only frowned.

A loud squeal from Peter captured everyone's attention and they all turned their heads. Sam was on his back now with Peter in his arms, the little boy giggling whenever Sam gently lifted him up in the air.

“He's so much like Steve,” Bucky said, his eyes lingering at the scene and a smile spreading over his face at the thought of his friend. He turned to Tony. “You're doing a great job. Steve would be proud.”

“I don't know about that.” Tony let out a sigh and rubbed the back of his neck. He was doubting himself again and by the looks everyone was giving him, they saw it too.

Natasha reached out and placed her hand on his shoulder. “You are. You need to stop thinking that you're doing this wrong. I know if Steve was here and he heard you talking like this he would be disappointed. Steve knew you were a great father, so why can't you?"

“Sometimes I feel like I am. I wish he was here to help,” Tony replied. His eyes were growing misty and he became frustrated with himself. He was not going to cry. At least not in front of his friends.

“Okay, I think this little dude is ready for bed,” Sam said, bringing Peter over and gently handing him to Tony.

“So once you get him all worked up then you give him to me? Thanks.”

Sam shrugged in response. “Isn't that my job?”

Tony rolled his eyes and turned his attention to his son. Peter was calming down now and be buried his face in the crook of Tony's neck, a small yawn leaving his lips and brown eyes fluttering.

“I guess this means the party's over,” Sam chuckled and he reached out to rub Peter's back. “Happy birthday, little man.”

Everyone else said their goodbyes and soon Tony and Peter were alone. It wasn't like that first night when Tony had to figure out how to be alone with his son; it was easier now, both were comfortable with each other.

However, this night was a little different. Not having Steve to say goodnight or any birthday wishes brought a familiar ache to Tony's heart. This wasn't going to be the only birthday Steve was going to miss.

“There ya go, Pete.” Tony gently laid his son down in the crib, then reached over to grab the brown teddy bear that was sitting in the corner, and placed it in Peter's opened arms. Bending down Tony pressed a soft kiss to the top of Peter's head. “Good night, sweetheart.”

He made sure the nightlight was on and then he gave Peter one last look before exiting out of the room. The house was quiet now and Tony was already missing the sound of his friends. A year had passed, but he still hasn't gotten used to being alone. He wasn't sure when he'd feel comfortable in his own home.

Sleep didn't come to him that night. His thoughts were occupied with Steve; it wasn't anything new, that's all he seemed to think about these days. The tears threatening to fall earlier were finally released and Tony rolled over, burying his face into Steve's pillow. Somehow his scent still lingered and it brought a comfort Tony desperately needed when he got like this.

Crying himself to sleep was something Tony found himself doing every night. When he slept, he didn't long for Steve as much. Steve was always in his dreams and now so was Peter. At least there they were all together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that the chapter was a little on the short side. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to add.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know if there will be a second part to this. I originally wrote it as a one-shot, but maybe my brain will come up with something and it will turn into a longer fic. I mean, it would be nice to see Tony raising Peter right? Anyway, thank you all for reading! See you later!


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